i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Alive.
So much puke
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
