nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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