You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
