My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
