I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
