I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
