It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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