I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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