Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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