Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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