I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
