weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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