My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
