After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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