My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
