dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
