i think my mom watched the whole time
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
