i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
