which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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