Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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