I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
