May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
