What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
