I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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