I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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