If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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