I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
