I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
