I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
