you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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