and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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