I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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