So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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