I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
