Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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