mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
