I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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