went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
