just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
