Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
