I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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