As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
