I puked a lego.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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