You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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