Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
