Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
