You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
