I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
