Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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