the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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